Mother, mother ocean

Today was my first day 

Back in the

Ocean

In a very long time.

I am:

Stoked

Elated

Peaceful

Healed

The term "ocean therapy" 

Exists for a very real reason.

 Until today,

I couldn't pinpoint exactly what that reason was...

Today, it became clear:

The ocean gives to each in unique ways. 

For my dear friend, mother ocean is a reminder of faith, that God is in control and if we just let go, we will be cared for.

For me, the ocean is the ONLY place 

The STOPS me

and

forces me to be here, now.

It is calming to be present in the moment,

Not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow...

To just BE.

With lovely thoughts of my salt water therapy session today,

 I leave you with lyrics of one of my all time favorite songs (covered best by Jack Johnson at Kokua Fest, in my humble opinion):

Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call

Wanted to sail upon your waters since I was three feet tall

Youve seen it all, youve seen it all

Watched the men who rode you switch from sails to steam

And in your belly you hold the treasures few have ever seen

Most of em dream, most of em dream

aloha.

Sleepless in San Diego

I've always been a light sleeper,

but I've never been a poor sleeper...

that is until recently.

I'm plenty tired come bed-time.

In fact, I'm usually the first to sleep.

A few hours later,

I'm up.

Rollin' around to find a comfortable spot,

getting up to get water,

 my mind racing with thoughts of tomorrow,

and the next day,

and the next day,

and...wait:

Did I just say my mind is racing?

Because I've been reading a lot about ways to improve sleep,

one of which is to include meditation daily.

Seems to be a good fit.

I've been meaning to start meditating now for a while.

But therein lies the conundrum:

Meditation doesn't work like that.

"Meaning to meditate" 

is

in fact

the complete

OPPOSITE

of meditation!

So this morning,

sleepless in San Diego

at 4 a.m.

I opened up the Deepak Chopra and Oprah 

(say that 5 times fast :)

meditation challenge:

Check it out here

I've been "meaning" to begin this challenge for 

7 days now.

What better time than 4 a.m., Sunday morning?

I turn on the audio recording,

and begin to follow the directions:

"...any time other thoughts come into your head,

say the mantra: Lam."

I battle this the whole time.

I'm thinking about:

 what I can do with the leftover zucchini (I decided on calabacitas burritos, but should I wait for Wednesday because Danielle will be here and she would like them, but will the zucchini still be good if I wait that long...oh yah, I could flash boil them and freeze them),

whether tomorrow will be as foggy as yesterday,

what I should assign for homework on Monday,

an upcoming IEP meeting,

I should turn the heater down...It's hot in here,

where should we go to breakfast in the morning?

O...M...Gosh

I'm reminding myself of the scene in Eat, Pray, Love

where she makes it to the ashram in India

and is thinking about how to decorate her meditation room

rather than meditating.

I battled this the ENTIRE time

until I'd had enough of my racing brain 

and I turned the meditation off.

I know, I know...

I should have turned my brain off instead.

But I turned off the meditation and decided:

Tomorrow (now today)

is a new day.

I'm going to do everything in my power

to free myself from this rat race 

that I've put myself into.

I know for a FACT now,

that my sleeplessness

is coming from 

my anxiety

and

I

have

had

ENOUGH.

Today is a new day.

I'm starting on day 1 of the meditation challenge

and I'm going through all 21 days.

No interruptions.

Me time.

Here's to improving my life by simplifying my mind!

Cheers! 

and Happy St. Patty's day!

 

"May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go."
~Irish Blessing

aloha.

p.s. Check out my view for the week!

Health

Mind.

Body.

Spirit.

Three words which are spoken frequently in my household (I just typed that as "househole"...haha...which is kind of true because we live in a loft space and going down our ladder feels like going into a hole.  Haha. Househole...I feel another post coming on).

Hubs and I have been talking a lot lately about our general health.  I'm not just talking nutrition, although that is a frequent conversation topic, as well.  He, the carnivore, and I, the vegemite, work daily to fuse our tastes and preferences into culinary bliss.  We enjoy cooking together and usually we are blissfully and nutritionally successful, but other times we are lucky if the frozen Trader Joe's lasagna makes it from the freezer to the microwave.

Look, we're busy folks. 

Nutritional health is not the topic of concern in this post.  Today, I'm talking BALANCE.
A friend of mine recently posted on facebook that BALANCE is "constant motion in all directions."
All too often, I think of balance as a pull between two things...work and life, good food and junk food, relaxation and exercise. 
But you know what?
My friend is RIGHT!

You see, I didn't learn how to pirouette in ballet class until I understood how to push down with my standing foot, lift up through my thighs, push outward through my elbows and passe knee, and lift through my ears.
"Constant motion in all directions." 

Now, I'm not saying I was a good "turner"
and NOR am I very good
at balance in general.
I tend to focus on one priority for lengthy amounts of time,
and forget that there are other aspects to my life
that need some lovin'
some bucket fillin'
some BALANCE.

Constant movement in all directions...

...not just work.

That is my goal.

aloha.

  

Anxiety and being a teacher

After waking up for two days straight with classroom thoughts on my mind (and in my dreams), I’m determined to do SOMETHING about my intense anxiety. It is holding me back from living a balanced life. My work life should not be waking me up in the wee-small hours of the morning…on the weekend.

I think most teachers are detail-oriented individuals. We have never-ending, multi-categorical to-do lists. Mine happens to have three columns: Things I MUST get done TODAY, things I’d LIKE to get done TODAY, things I want to get done another day (or if I happen to have time today). Most days, the MUST get done things take me well-past my working hours. Most days, the MUST get done things don’t all get “checked off” the list. The third column, you ask? Those are typically addressed during “weeks off” when teachers are thankful for time off to get done the work that has been piling up.

Please don’t read this as complaint. You see, I fully understand it to be the nature of the beast. I am simply searching for my way to tackle the beast. Each teacher handles the work load differently, and I must find what works for me.

So the question is: What do I do to decrease my anxiety about work when I’m at home? A few months ago, hubs and I (he’s a teacher, too) decided to try to form a boundary around our home by which work from work cannot pass. I’d say I’ve stuck to that boundary with 95% success…physical work, that is. How, then, do I draw a boundary around mental work? You know, the “to-do” list in my head? It needs to stay at the workplace, as well.

Here are my ideas: Daily meditation practice; Daily exercise; ?


Ideas? Anyone?


Aloha.

Why, oh why, must I blog?

It seems years since I’ve blogged last.  There have been many moments of inspiration which I have wanted to blog about, but the constructs of free-time vs. work time, coupled with no internet access at home has kept these inspiring moments in my head instead of on my blog.  

Yesterday, we regained internet access at home.  After a 6 hour long ordeal with a technician, we are back “online.”  Great for my blogging health, but questionable for my overall health.  In our 6 months or so without internet access, we have found other activities to fill our time: Exercising, cooking, and of course, watching T.V.  Quite honestly, 90% of the time I haven’t missed instant access to “that dot com thing” (as my Nanny used to say).  I’ve never entirely warmed to the idea of being accessible, searchable, trackable, global on an interpersonal level.  My nature is more introverted than extroverted…a.k.a. I like being a “loner.”  I like being by myself, and there lacks a sense of privacy when constantly connected “online.” 

Why, then, do I enjoy blogging? When I lived in Hawai’i (I remain baffled by that “when”) I was disconnected from my family and friends on an every-day personal level.  I can’t say that I didn’t want that.  I moved there to find out who I am, to test the boundaries of trust and self-assurance that are often overlooked when surrounded by familiarity.  I became weary of contentment and seeming complacency in my life.  I wanted to live.  To really live within my body by discovering the ways of life that really mattered, and differentiating between awareness and parallel-living…you know the type, “going through the motions.”  I didn’t want to believe in anything that I hadn’t researched and tested for truth.  I didn’t want to listen to music just because someone else said it was good.  I didn’t want to follow a path that someone else said might be good for me.  I wanted to know myself; to really, truly know my soul and then to live by that knowledge.

 Okay, I’m sharing all of this because as I lived on a island in search of my soul, I found that I sincerely missed the people whose relationships with me fed my soul.  And so I started my blog as a portal to my daily life for those who were truly interested.  Originally titled “Living la Vida Hawai’i,” I’ve been sharing my thoughts and goings-on for close to 6 years now!  Throughout the years, this space has transformed from a simple picture sharing travelogue, to a blend of my outward and inward life.    

Although I’ve struggled with posting my personal life online, especially now that I live closer to those I love (hence the change in blog title), I feel a creative commitment to myself to continue logging my life in this way.  Who knows? Maybe my future children will enjoy reading about mom’s life one day.  So I close by saying, “Thank you ‘dot-com thing’.  For you’ve allowed me access to an expressive release for which I hadn’t yet found a home.” 

aloha.

2013

Well, hello 2013!

Where did you come from?

You snuck up behind me and surprised me!

In fact, I've been so busy, 

that I didn't even see you coming.

May I just say, though,

that I'm glad you are here.

Your presence in my life has me feeling:

Refreshed

Excited

Invigorated

Relaxed

You see, 2012 was great.

Really, it was.

Other than Grandma passing away,

it was great.

New apartment,

New job,

New sister-in-law...

it was just

really

really

busy!

A new year tends to be the catalyst for  self reflection in my life.

What some may call "New Year's Resolutions,"

I call

"Extreme Lindsay Makeover"

Let's start with nutrition:

I'm a vegetarian.

Have been since 5th grade,

always will be.

Being a vegemonster,

however,

does NOT mean I am healthy.

Bread, cheese, sweets...

all still in my diet.

Yikes.

So the hubs and I set forth a new plan.

We reminded each other that:

1) We no longer live in the land of RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE produce 

(Bell peppers were $5. each...on sale!)

2) We are not getting any younger.

and we decided to keep a steady stash of fruits and veggies on hand at all times!

Next up?

Exercise:

I used to be a dancer.

I know, I said that out loud the other day and cried.

"Used to be"

I'm talking close to 10 years ago

I danced full-time.

At that time, I didn't need much other exercise,

even though I did run and strength train alongside of dancing.

Now, I'm very "used to" having a built-in exercise program.

The problem is, I don't dance anymore.

Not like I used to, at least.

I don't think Brain Dance with my math group constitutes a whole-body exercise program.

So the hubs and I decided to be each other's accountability partners.

We reminded each other that:

1) We are employed full-time (glory, hallelujah), and have the budget to take a few exercise classes

2) We are not getting any younger.

Then we made a plan.

Remember Book-It?

We're tracking our exercise with a sticker chart (including once a week, KILLER cross training together), and then rewarding ourselves once we reach a certain amount of stickers.
We may or may not reward ourselves with a Pizza Hut pizza and a pitcher of Coke every now and again :)

Anyone else want to Book-It with us?

Next up?

Look good, feel good.

Simply put:

I got a haircut!

Hahaha...

That was a rarity in Hawai'i because it was simply too hot/humid to wear my hair down.

Time to "beautify" the outside. 

Look good.

Feel good.

No more frump monster.

2013,

You're a welcome addition to my life. 

Walk on

Do you ever wake up with a song in your head

and then

you can't get it OUT of your head?

This happens to me FREQUENTLY.

I'm talking

3..

4...

5 days a week?  

Sometimes the songs are so funny

that I sing them out loud

so my hubs can share in the joy.

Like the day I woke up singing

"Rhythm is gonna get-cha

rhythm is gonna get-cha..."

a-la Gloria.

Of course, for my hubs

(the happiest morning person I've met to date)

faux-maraca shaking ensued.

This morning, however, was not a maraca-shaking song.

I woke up with David Gray's 

"From Here I Can Almost See the Sea"

whispering me to awareness.

So, I got up

tied my laces

brewed a hot coffee

threw on a hoodie

and walked to the seacliffs.

Here is my morning walk,

set to the lyrics of the poetic David Gray 

(who just happens to be the soundtrack to my Fall season)

"Come the weekend
We'll be long gone, baby
Just like the old days
Letting the world flow through me

Just a parasite in the line
I'm smoking, killing the time
I lost a piece of twine
What use is sympathy?

From here you can almost see the sea"

(and you can...can you sea see it? This is the top of our street. The start of my walk.)

"If you would hold still
Make a clean incision
And we can sit back and watch the demolition
Little puppy dog in a box
Somebody's picking the locks
It's wandered down from the socks
Here comes the cavalry

From here you can almost see the sea"

"Just another fool in the line
Just a parasite in the line"

"I dream of high clouds
Flush with the light of daybreak
 

I'm gonna dive in
To waters so cold it makes your bones ache
Fingers, knees, and knuckles scraped
Our love a rubbish heap
The piece of cardboard taped up where the bedroom windowpane used to be

From here you can almost see the sea."

"Just another fool in the line
Just a parasite in the line

I saw a film once
Where all the air holes froze up
A killer whale swam
Under the blue ice
until her heart stopped."

 (This is the end of our street!)

Aloha kakahiaka.

Notes from a Realist

 Yesterday, 

my hubs said,

"You're not a pessimist...

you're just a realist."

Of course, at first, I threw up a defensive...

"Wha...? How dare you label me!"

Then I realized...

he's quite right.

AND...

he meant it as a compliment.

Defense down.

 As a realist,

I'm constantly considering the REALITY of what might happen.

If we____, then____will most likely happen. 

 I mean, at least I'm not thinking about the worst thing that could happen, right?

Now,

that doesn't leave much room for adventure.

And that is PRECISELY WHY we had this conversation in the first place.

 Recently, we decided to:

work at work

and

home and home.

That means,

no work at home.

Daunting,

yet impressive 

jump for two who aim for professional commitment.

However difficult this decision will prove to be,

it opens up a world of adventure for our time together at home.

So..

my challenge therein

is to 

LET GO

of what might be

and experience life

in-full

during every adventure.

 This weekend proved to be adventure-worthy.

Rainy days tend to spark a child-like curiosity in us both.

So, we went to the shore.

We also went roller skating with Mom!

Wee-hoo! 

 These happen to be my mom's roller skates from childhood.

She still wears them.

Here's to adventures

big and small

aloha.