I've been listening to Brene Brown lectures in my car while driving to work.
If you haven't heard her speak, I highly recommend it.
You can find her on Youtube, TED talks, etc.
I checked out "The Power of Vulnerability" cd
from the local library.
Boy, is she EVER speaking to my soul right now.
I'm trying to "let go"
of some things that are holding me back from pure joy.
One of them is
perfectionism.
As Brene Brown says:
"I call perfectionism 'the
20-ton shield.' We carry it around thinking it's going to protect us
from being hurt. But it protects us from being seen."
I have no shame in recognizing this struggle,
as well as the pervasive presence it has had in my child and adult life.
I was that
Straight A,
Rule Following,
Kid You Want in Your "Group Project" Group Because I Would Do All of the Work.
I was the kid who wouldn't go to sleep until my socks in my sock drawer were all facing the same direction and folded exactly the same way.
I know exactly what you're thinking:
Man, am I in trouble if I every have a child of my own.
Pay. Back.
Well, that thought is exactly the birth of this post.
You see, the other night I worked a 14 hour day.
I'm talking before the sun rose to well-after the sun went down.
(These long working days have been more frequent this year, and I'm finding myself only able to check items off of the list.
I can't even get to the point where I'm allowing perfectionism to take over in these tasks.
I'm just getting.them.done.)
And then I did something I kinda regret.
I posted about it on Facebook.
It=How will this schedule ever work if I have kids in the future?
"Why'd ya do that," you ask?
I was beyond the point of no return.
I was so tired of "it" and I wanted to shout "it" out.
Truth being,
I should have just yelled it out loud in the parking lot of the school.
The response would have been more of what I needed (silence)
and less of what I was looking for (response).
Some (not all) Facebook responses were similar to:
"Let go of your perfectionism..."
"Once you have a kid, you'll have to reprioritize..."
"Having kids in your classroom is nothing like having your own kids..."
"Once you have kids, your workload won't be like this..."
Here's the thing:
I'm only doing what is necessary to do my job with INTEGRITY.
So herein lies the question:
Where is the line drawn between doing my job with INTEGRITY
and doing my job PERFECTLY?
In my opinion
(and from what I've been learning from Brene Brown),
INTEGRITY leaves room for vulnerability and mistakes,
while PERFECTIONISM shames mistakes.
To wrap it all up,
the PERFECTIONIST in me won't accept doing my job without full INTEGRITY.
GEEEEEEEZ.
This is tangled.
I don't have a full resolution to my problem yet,
but what I do know is:
Don't post on Facebook after a long work day.
