Anxiety and being a teacher

After waking up for two days straight with classroom thoughts on my mind (and in my dreams), I’m determined to do SOMETHING about my intense anxiety. It is holding me back from living a balanced life. My work life should not be waking me up in the wee-small hours of the morning…on the weekend.

I think most teachers are detail-oriented individuals. We have never-ending, multi-categorical to-do lists. Mine happens to have three columns: Things I MUST get done TODAY, things I’d LIKE to get done TODAY, things I want to get done another day (or if I happen to have time today). Most days, the MUST get done things take me well-past my working hours. Most days, the MUST get done things don’t all get “checked off” the list. The third column, you ask? Those are typically addressed during “weeks off” when teachers are thankful for time off to get done the work that has been piling up.

Please don’t read this as complaint. You see, I fully understand it to be the nature of the beast. I am simply searching for my way to tackle the beast. Each teacher handles the work load differently, and I must find what works for me.

So the question is: What do I do to decrease my anxiety about work when I’m at home? A few months ago, hubs and I (he’s a teacher, too) decided to try to form a boundary around our home by which work from work cannot pass. I’d say I’ve stuck to that boundary with 95% success…physical work, that is. How, then, do I draw a boundary around mental work? You know, the “to-do” list in my head? It needs to stay at the workplace, as well.

Here are my ideas: Daily meditation practice; Daily exercise; ?


Ideas? Anyone?


Aloha.

Why, oh why, must I blog?

It seems years since I’ve blogged last.  There have been many moments of inspiration which I have wanted to blog about, but the constructs of free-time vs. work time, coupled with no internet access at home has kept these inspiring moments in my head instead of on my blog.  

Yesterday, we regained internet access at home.  After a 6 hour long ordeal with a technician, we are back “online.”  Great for my blogging health, but questionable for my overall health.  In our 6 months or so without internet access, we have found other activities to fill our time: Exercising, cooking, and of course, watching T.V.  Quite honestly, 90% of the time I haven’t missed instant access to “that dot com thing” (as my Nanny used to say).  I’ve never entirely warmed to the idea of being accessible, searchable, trackable, global on an interpersonal level.  My nature is more introverted than extroverted…a.k.a. I like being a “loner.”  I like being by myself, and there lacks a sense of privacy when constantly connected “online.” 

Why, then, do I enjoy blogging? When I lived in Hawai’i (I remain baffled by that “when”) I was disconnected from my family and friends on an every-day personal level.  I can’t say that I didn’t want that.  I moved there to find out who I am, to test the boundaries of trust and self-assurance that are often overlooked when surrounded by familiarity.  I became weary of contentment and seeming complacency in my life.  I wanted to live.  To really live within my body by discovering the ways of life that really mattered, and differentiating between awareness and parallel-living…you know the type, “going through the motions.”  I didn’t want to believe in anything that I hadn’t researched and tested for truth.  I didn’t want to listen to music just because someone else said it was good.  I didn’t want to follow a path that someone else said might be good for me.  I wanted to know myself; to really, truly know my soul and then to live by that knowledge.

 Okay, I’m sharing all of this because as I lived on a island in search of my soul, I found that I sincerely missed the people whose relationships with me fed my soul.  And so I started my blog as a portal to my daily life for those who were truly interested.  Originally titled “Living la Vida Hawai’i,” I’ve been sharing my thoughts and goings-on for close to 6 years now!  Throughout the years, this space has transformed from a simple picture sharing travelogue, to a blend of my outward and inward life.    

Although I’ve struggled with posting my personal life online, especially now that I live closer to those I love (hence the change in blog title), I feel a creative commitment to myself to continue logging my life in this way.  Who knows? Maybe my future children will enjoy reading about mom’s life one day.  So I close by saying, “Thank you ‘dot-com thing’.  For you’ve allowed me access to an expressive release for which I hadn’t yet found a home.” 

aloha.

2013

Well, hello 2013!

Where did you come from?

You snuck up behind me and surprised me!

In fact, I've been so busy, 

that I didn't even see you coming.

May I just say, though,

that I'm glad you are here.

Your presence in my life has me feeling:

Refreshed

Excited

Invigorated

Relaxed

You see, 2012 was great.

Really, it was.

Other than Grandma passing away,

it was great.

New apartment,

New job,

New sister-in-law...

it was just

really

really

busy!

A new year tends to be the catalyst for  self reflection in my life.

What some may call "New Year's Resolutions,"

I call

"Extreme Lindsay Makeover"

Let's start with nutrition:

I'm a vegetarian.

Have been since 5th grade,

always will be.

Being a vegemonster,

however,

does NOT mean I am healthy.

Bread, cheese, sweets...

all still in my diet.

Yikes.

So the hubs and I set forth a new plan.

We reminded each other that:

1) We no longer live in the land of RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE produce 

(Bell peppers were $5. each...on sale!)

2) We are not getting any younger.

and we decided to keep a steady stash of fruits and veggies on hand at all times!

Next up?

Exercise:

I used to be a dancer.

I know, I said that out loud the other day and cried.

"Used to be"

I'm talking close to 10 years ago

I danced full-time.

At that time, I didn't need much other exercise,

even though I did run and strength train alongside of dancing.

Now, I'm very "used to" having a built-in exercise program.

The problem is, I don't dance anymore.

Not like I used to, at least.

I don't think Brain Dance with my math group constitutes a whole-body exercise program.

So the hubs and I decided to be each other's accountability partners.

We reminded each other that:

1) We are employed full-time (glory, hallelujah), and have the budget to take a few exercise classes

2) We are not getting any younger.

Then we made a plan.

Remember Book-It?

We're tracking our exercise with a sticker chart (including once a week, KILLER cross training together), and then rewarding ourselves once we reach a certain amount of stickers.
We may or may not reward ourselves with a Pizza Hut pizza and a pitcher of Coke every now and again :)

Anyone else want to Book-It with us?

Next up?

Look good, feel good.

Simply put:

I got a haircut!

Hahaha...

That was a rarity in Hawai'i because it was simply too hot/humid to wear my hair down.

Time to "beautify" the outside. 

Look good.

Feel good.

No more frump monster.

2013,

You're a welcome addition to my life. 

Walk on

Do you ever wake up with a song in your head

and then

you can't get it OUT of your head?

This happens to me FREQUENTLY.

I'm talking

3..

4...

5 days a week?  

Sometimes the songs are so funny

that I sing them out loud

so my hubs can share in the joy.

Like the day I woke up singing

"Rhythm is gonna get-cha

rhythm is gonna get-cha..."

a-la Gloria.

Of course, for my hubs

(the happiest morning person I've met to date)

faux-maraca shaking ensued.

This morning, however, was not a maraca-shaking song.

I woke up with David Gray's 

"From Here I Can Almost See the Sea"

whispering me to awareness.

So, I got up

tied my laces

brewed a hot coffee

threw on a hoodie

and walked to the seacliffs.

Here is my morning walk,

set to the lyrics of the poetic David Gray 

(who just happens to be the soundtrack to my Fall season)

"Come the weekend
We'll be long gone, baby
Just like the old days
Letting the world flow through me

Just a parasite in the line
I'm smoking, killing the time
I lost a piece of twine
What use is sympathy?

From here you can almost see the sea"

(and you can...can you sea see it? This is the top of our street. The start of my walk.)

"If you would hold still
Make a clean incision
And we can sit back and watch the demolition
Little puppy dog in a box
Somebody's picking the locks
It's wandered down from the socks
Here comes the cavalry

From here you can almost see the sea"

"Just another fool in the line
Just a parasite in the line"

"I dream of high clouds
Flush with the light of daybreak
 

I'm gonna dive in
To waters so cold it makes your bones ache
Fingers, knees, and knuckles scraped
Our love a rubbish heap
The piece of cardboard taped up where the bedroom windowpane used to be

From here you can almost see the sea."

"Just another fool in the line
Just a parasite in the line

I saw a film once
Where all the air holes froze up
A killer whale swam
Under the blue ice
until her heart stopped."

 (This is the end of our street!)

Aloha kakahiaka.

Notes from a Realist

 Yesterday, 

my hubs said,

"You're not a pessimist...

you're just a realist."

Of course, at first, I threw up a defensive...

"Wha...? How dare you label me!"

Then I realized...

he's quite right.

AND...

he meant it as a compliment.

Defense down.

 As a realist,

I'm constantly considering the REALITY of what might happen.

If we____, then____will most likely happen. 

 I mean, at least I'm not thinking about the worst thing that could happen, right?

Now,

that doesn't leave much room for adventure.

And that is PRECISELY WHY we had this conversation in the first place.

 Recently, we decided to:

work at work

and

home and home.

That means,

no work at home.

Daunting,

yet impressive 

jump for two who aim for professional commitment.

However difficult this decision will prove to be,

it opens up a world of adventure for our time together at home.

So..

my challenge therein

is to 

LET GO

of what might be

and experience life

in-full

during every adventure.

 This weekend proved to be adventure-worthy.

Rainy days tend to spark a child-like curiosity in us both.

So, we went to the shore.

We also went roller skating with Mom!

Wee-hoo! 

 These happen to be my mom's roller skates from childhood.

She still wears them.

Here's to adventures

big and small

aloha.

This...

...is what weekends should be about:

 Sunsets at the beach,

Farmer's Market wanderings,

Gelato!

Welcome back to my life, weekends.

I'm sure you've been doing your thing while I've been working, 

but

I've missed you!

aloha.

Punkin

My dearest Punkin,

I've been trying to figure out why I love you so.  Is it your creamy texture?  God knows I love a good creamy cooking ingredient.  Could it be that your bright orange ambiance reminds me to look for the light?   Or maybe my love extends into your associated spices of cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg.

Punkin, these are all reasons why I love you.  However, I cannot pinpoint one of them to be THE reason why you make me feel all giddy inside.  You see, when you blend all of these reasons together, and then whisk in a crisp fall morning, you yield a heaping serving of regeneration.  

What do you mean, "What do you mean?"  Can't you see it?  As the leaves turn color, I am reminded of what in my life needs a color makeover.  Can my grey pessimism be painted a lovely yellow optimism?  Can my navy blue depressive sentiments be washed with sea green positivity swimming with the surging possibilities of my future?  

Can't you feel it?  As the cool breeze sweeps into the still-open windows, the brisk temperature shocks me into awareness.  I am reminded to slow down and awaken to my surroundings.  I have knowingly surrounded myself with lovely things that bring a cozy feeling to my ever-moving life.  I am, by nature, a busy bee.  I thrive on moving: ever-working, ever-thinking, ever-creating, ever-completing.  Balance, however, requires a slowing...a time to reflect...a time to stop moving...a time to be comforted by what is around you.  

It is these changes brought on by Fall, that spark regeneration in the soul.  I've witnessed it recently in those around me.  My mom, allowing herself to slow down and recognize what is important to her in living a balanced life, has been able to prioritize herself, and in so doing, she has emerged an inspiring light.  My dear friend Jenny, deciding and then taking steps toward inspiring others to live a healthy life...http://jennychodola.blogspot.com/  I've seen co-workers, inspired by the colors and flavors of Fall (you included), create effective projects with clarity in their goals.  I've received phone calls with reports of engagements, new homes bought, babies born.  Most of all, I've observed smiles, light, breath, and relief in the general populace. 

Punkin, YOU are the representation of this regeneration.  You come reliably with dedication to your purpose and integrity to the task at hand.  Then, you stand firm.  You hold your ground.  You continue to inspire until Fall gives way to Winter.  THIS is why I love you.  Keep on keepin' on, Punkin.  I need you in my life.

Aloha,

Lindsay

p.s. Here are my favorite punkin recipes (so far) from this Fall:

Pumpkin Oatmeal:

I made this one up this morning, and adore it!  I didn't really measure, so the measurements below are approximates.  Fiddle with it and find your perfect pumpkin oatmeal!

2/3 cup steel-cut oats

1 1/3 cup water

1/3 cup milk

1/3 cup canned pumpkin (I like the Trader Joes variety)

1 T cinnamon

1 t nutmeg

1/4 cup sugar

2 T butter

4 T maple syrup

shake of salt

* Bring oats and water to a boil, then stir and reduce heat

* Add milk and pumpkin, stir until fully mixed

* add remaining ingredients and cook until texture is desirable.

Pumpkin Scones:

My friend Allison, who writes an amazing blog, shared this recipe:

http://somethewiser.danoah.com/2012/10/maple-glazed-pumpkin-scones.html

Here are my scone results prior to baking/glazing:

Pumpkin Raviolis:

I followed this recipe:

http://www.pittsburghmagazine.com/Pittsburgh-Magazine/Eat-and-Drink/Recipes/index.php/name/Pumpkin-Ravioli-with-Sage-Butter-Sauce/record/3250/

Then, I added finely chopped tomatoes and zuchinni on top (drizzled in EVOO, of course)

Ah-maze-ing!

Go through the process of making your own ravioli dough...

it's worth it.

Pumpkin Waffles:

Thanks to Coastal Living Magazine, I came across this gem:

http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/pumpkin-chocolate-waffles-50400000124127/

Of course, we topped the waffle with pumpkin ice cream from Trader Joes.

 Hmpf.

So there.

aloha.

Workah, workah, workah

Did you appreciate my nod to the Muppets?

I mean, when considering what to title a blog posting about work

I find it healthy to rely on a little humor.

Work is work, no matter what you do,

but if we can't laugh a little, 

are we really living?

I work with a team of wonderful, hard-working people.

People who hold the bar high for themselves and those around them.

People who support, and appreciate the support of those around them.

People who aren't afraid to laugh...

every day.

We always find a reason to smile...

and for that, 

I'm eternally grateful.

So, I came home this evening

with a plan of what I could get done

for work.

Then I realized:

I've been in late meetings more than once this week.

I worked a 12 hour day this week.

I. am. tired.

And I'm not complaining...

for I am SO, VERY grateful 

to have a good job.

I am simply saying,

I'm not working tonight!

In the spirit of "me time,"

I'm sharing with you some recent shell photos from my collection.

I enjoy having "seashell photo shoots."

So, here are the latest:

 aloha.